if you have someone else in your life then they can replace me

the logic behind my reasoning is if i push away everyone i dont matter to- maybe they wont matter to me.

from a seat in a lobby i arrived at too soon, options are looking thinner and thinner. they are fewer and fewer. so are the days. it's throwing down your hand before you've lost, just to save a little dignity. like, hey i could have won, had i stayed in another round. but now no one will ever know.

sitting with my hands in my lap, i feel like a number in a line and my number has been called. the only thing ive left my mark on is a tombstone ready to be put in some cemetary above my untouched body, a slab of stone somewhere. i wasted my whole life trying to be loved, trying to look in tinted windows. trying to feel things never meant for me to feel. walked down different streets and sidewalks day after day only to end up in the same bed alone. every day would start and end the same, and thinking back, everything between never really was different either.

everyone standing ahead of me is old news, barely remembered. the elders. their numbers have been called and they are slowly being forgotten as you read this. they'll be remembered on birthdays, maybe. anniversaries.. if they had any. me? i don't. it makes it easier that way. all they are is bones and soul behind grayed bodies. a few are still bright, i notice. they are the ones that are still being remembered.

everyone seated behind me is ready to be forgotten, just faces youll maybe (mis)place someday. the newborn souls. they're so full of optimism because they haven't seen what the world is really like yet. how love is something found in divorce court and shady hotel rooms. you can find "love" in the nightstand by the bed, forgotten about even in the morning. the new souls are waiting to be born, waiting to have a chance at life i willingly gave up.

"your writing has gotten much better." was one of the last things said to me, which i just rolled my eyes at. "oh, but my words have gotten much worse." i'd said. worse, much worse in emotion. i don't want to relive what i wrote. couldn't stand to read the line i wrote before the next. thinking about my last days, about her.. it feels like someone is gripping onto my lungs and i can't breathe. if i wasn't already dead, the heartache would kill me again.

it's my turn. i pull myself out of my corrupted thoughts and out of my seat and i head up to the front, to the counter. funny how there is a glass window seperating me and the decider of my fate. behind me the line moves up and my seat is quickly filled. this also reminds me of my life, when i still had it. before i stopped wanting it.

as if there is a possiblity, a chance, to back and live and love again, i am asked, "are you really ready to give up?"

i think about it. no, i'm not really. but i've tried and tried. trying was killing me, more than it was keeping me alive. basically- if you fuck up love, you fuck up life. there is no going back. they coexist and not with you.

"yeah." i shrug, saying it much more casually than it should be said, ever. "never fell in love, no one ever loved me. i don't think if i stay a few more years this will suddenly change. i think it'll just make me worse off. it's better to.. give up now, you know?"

i don't notice it but there are tears. not in my eyes but those behind me. those ahead of me already relate and only shake their heads.

"well, such a sad thing. to die unloved." the newborn souls nod and agree and all this does is make me want to scream at them, warn them. laugh at them, at how stupid they must be to think dying alone and unloved is uncommon. but they will learn on their own. everyone does eventually.

looking over each face i think of a new fate for each one. 'your husband will cheat. and your wife will leave you. you'll get dumped on your birthday. you'll lose your true love to someone else. you will all be as unneeded as me.' i tell them in my head.

"no, it's not bad to die unloved, nor is it all that unfortunate." i'm rather rational now, "i'd rather have never experienced love, and quite frankly? it made death easier. it's unfortunate to die loved and to have people you miss, and to leave others missing you. dying unloved is only bad on you. dying loved hurts others that still have to live."

funnily enough but not that surprisingly, he has no comment to that. neither do any of the newborn souls listening in. dying is a part of living, love isn't.

by now it's clear i do not want another chance at life, and in some hospital my heart machine flatlines.

see all i've learned from life is if anyone you care about has someone else in their life, they can replace you. they will forget you. it may take minutes, it may take years. but they will get over it. they will get over you. i didn't have to die to tell you that, though.